What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 04:04
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was 9 years of age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She loved him until the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Just sitting at home with this huge cock. Who can take care of it for me?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
How can she get her mouth taped shut? She should not have freedom of speech.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
How does it feel to watch your wife get fucked hard?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
We all went to grammer schools
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im still living with it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I don,t even have a pension.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
Comes on , in middle age.
But it wasn’t much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I said to her
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I will be 64.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..